Per Aspera Ad Astra
Transformation through struggle
emphasizes character and emotional fortitude.
It signifies the embrace of difficulties as opportunities to cultivate resilience, rather than merely wishing for an easier existence. This journey transfigures suffering into
a meaningful odyssey.
One of the profound influences in my literary life has been Dr. Mark Epstein, a Buddhist teacher, therapist, author and psychiatrist. His works, rich with personal revelations and vulnerabilities, delve into the intricate interplay between Buddhism and psychotherapy. Epstein's narratives, such as 'Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart', 'Zen of Therapy', and 'The Trauma of Everyday Life', utilize his own experiences to illuminate therapeutic and spiritual principles, rendering his insights both relatable and profound. He articulates, 'Far from eliminating the ego, as I naively believed I should when I first began to practice meditation, the Buddha encouraged a strengthening of the ego so that it could learn to hold primitive agonies without collapse'. This perspective resonates deeply,reflecting the complexity of the human psyche.
https://www.markepsteinmd.com
Like many others, I cannot claim that the scars of my past traumas have vanished entirely. Echoing the sentiments of Carl Jung and Mark Epstein, I recognize that past traumas are not something to be completely 'eradicated'. Instead of seeking to erase the past, both Jung and Epstein advocate for integration and conscious acceptance. I navigate life through the lens of these emotional imprints, learning that they serve as poignant reminders to acknowledge psychological stress without allowing it to consume my identity, permitting these feelings to exist without dictating who I am.
In the early 1990s, I found myself captivated by the teachings of Shri Ramana Maharshi. His ashram, Sri Ramanasramam, nestled at the base of Arunachala Hill near Tiruvannamalai, became a sanctuary for my spiritual exploration.
In December 1992, I encountered a tumultuous experience — a confluence of intense emotions and the dissolution of a deeply ingrained belief in my separateness, often tied to individualism. During this period, my ability to function in daily life deteriorated. In a moment of utter desperation, I embarked on a long run, eventually finding solace at a secluded beach. As I sat in silence, I experienced what can only be described as a non-experience, an awakening that shattered my prior understanding of self. This led to several days of uncontrollable shaking and a torrent of laughter and tears, prompting a valued friend to suggest I was undergoing a profound Kundalini awakening. This transformative experience undeniably shifted my awareness.
Decades later, this indescribable awareness, known as Purusha (Pure Awareness), remains unchanged. It embodies the eternal, unconditioned observer, witnessing all mental activity without being defined or affected by it.
What has evolved over the years is the ongoing process of integrating this so-called non-experience into the myriad challenges that arise as aspects of the unconscious emerge. The insights of Donald Winnicott, a prominent English child psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, illuminate the necessity of reclaiming our true selves in the wake of spiritual awakenings. Experiencing a profound spiritual awakening is one thing; however, for that awakening to transcend mere self-aggrandizement, one must grapple with the challenge of embedding this realization into daily life, fostering integrity and emotional intelligence. I am convinced that, regardless of one’s degree of spiritual awakening, continuous self-observation is crucial until the unhealthy ego has been entirely dismantled. A pivotal moment arose when my teacher questioned, 'Why do you still practice carnism?' Her words illuminated a shadowy area of my unawareness, leading to an immediate and profound shift — I embraced a vegan lifestyle, for which I am eternally grateful to her. https://carnism.org
According to D.W. Winnicott, a child denied the opportunity to express their true self may develop a 'false self' as a coping mechanism. This defensive construct shields the vulnerable true self, presenting a socially acceptable façade to the world. The child learns to conform to the perceived expectations of caregivers, often at the expense of their authentic self.
I was fortunate to have a supportive framework, guided by my beloved teacher, Frau Doktor Isa Luerssen, which aided in my integration process. This understanding highlights the plight of many who lack such guidance and often find themselves in spiritual crises following profound awakenings.
Later, during my time in Europe, I shared insights on what I term 'sacred potentiality' with those interested. While I cannot speak for others, I found these gatherings to be illuminated by exquisite vulnerability, beauty, grace, and courage, fostering a profound sense of empathetic intelligence. The individuals I encountered were authentically intelligent, caring, and delightfully humorous, many of whom have since transitioned from this life.
To honour these cherished souls, I echo the poignant words of Prospero from The Tempest:
“Our revels now are ended. These our actors,/
As I foretold you, were all spirits and /
Are melted into air, into thin air,/
And, like the baseless fabric of this vision, /
The cloud-capp'd towers, the gorgeous palaces, /
The solemn temples, the great globe itself, /
Yea, all which is inherit, shall dissolve /
And, like this insubstantial pageant fade, /
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff /
As dreams are made of, and our little life /
Is rounded with a sleep.”
https://youtu.be/6-i1ESIRKdA?si=uuLmQi0ELUX6Jwzu.
Gabriel Fauré - Requiem: 'In Paradisum'
Today, I reside within a community of like-minded individuals in a sanctuary dedicated to animals that would otherwise face slaughter or abandonment. Here, we nurture not only their well-being but also our own, as the animals, the land, and our relationships serve as mirrors reflecting our inner selves, demanding attention and care. This symbiotic relationship is a continuous dance of give and take, reminding us that healing is a collective journey, not a solitary endeavour. The challenges we encounter together present opportunities for growth, fostering a deeper understanding of ourselves and one another.
While I do not wish to overemphasize it, this experience is both a profound blessing and a formidable challenge, testing my resilience in various aspects of life — relationships, raising teenagers, engaging with family members suffering from dementia, navigating employment, and coping with the loss of dear friends and animals. Each of these trials swiftly tests the resolve of those connected to this shared journey.
Whether I embraced it or not, I quickly learned that following a powerful spiritual awakening — though I do not advocate this for others — there exists a significant need for inner integration work. This work is essential for nurturing a healthy ego, one that does not succumb to narcissistic or sycophantic tendencies when faced with adversity. What does it mean to transcend unconscious patterns and be guided by a transcendent will and intuition, living in service to others? It requires the development of awareness to perceive reality as it is, free from the immediate biases of the intellect.
As Mark Epstein insightfully noted, 'The Buddha had to deal with his own ego even after his enlightenment. This is an aspect of Buddhist thought that dovetails nicely with psychotherapy. Relaxing the ego's grip makes the experience of pure awareness possible, but the experience of pure awareness clarifies the work still needed on the ego.'
In closing, I share a proverb that holds profound significance for me: the Māori saying,
"Kia whakatōmuri te haerewhakamua"
which translates to
"I walk backwards into the future with my eyes fixed on my past."
This wisdom suggests that as we progress in life, we must remain cognizant of our history and heritage, using it as a foundation for our journey ahead. The past is not a burden to be discarded but a wellspring of wisdom guiding us through the present and into the future.